If you have no fear of talking in front out a large crowd without preparation or improvising a solo because you forgot it; props to you. Stepping out of my comfort zone, especially in public is always a struggle for me to get past. People try and give me strategies for going up in front of a group of people, like imagine everyone’s in their underwear or stare at one spot in the room. It’s not that I’m scared of the people watching me it’s what they think about me, when they’re judging me. I try to play but only a squeak of my instrument comes out along with my face bursting out into a lavish red and sweating profusely. I put some of my hardest work into my tone and solos but when it’s time I break under the pressure. Grades and all of these numbers that rate me and are supposed to the reason I do well or fail in life. Why do I even try?

Music has been a necessity since I first touched a trumpet in 4th grade then it grew to two instruments and approaching three. It would be a vent for me if I was mad, sad or depressed in anyway. It’s a counselor you don’t need an appointment for. Most days after school instead of eating, sleeping or homework, I would go and play music; much to my family’s dismay. If was happening to feel stressed in any way or form the words woven by the music would pull the pressure of my shoulders.

Then when I get in front of people that all changes. My head’s a mess of thoughts and my face is twisted in concentration. “Am I playing the right notes?”, “when am I supposed to stop?”, “is it good enough?”  The notes flow out without me even thinking about it, years of practice assure that I know the notes. I only wanted the solo because I was the only who practiced it, but I was still way too afraid to mess up. Then a thought hit me like a rock, “If my teacher allowed me to do this why can’t I?” He had enough faith in me so why don’t I?

Music will always be a home to me and it will carry me through the hard times. It speaks to me better than anyone. The fear is just like a spit valve I need to clear and clean.