Fears That Bind Us

It is tempting

I see the light

bright and warm

I understand

why people always go

towards it

It beckons me

calling out

the voices of those I’ve lost

 

It is tempting

they sound so pained

they call to me

It is tempting

then I understand

I can not go into the light

I must fight it

 

I am terrified

I know I must

overcome

my fears

I can’t do it

yes I can

I smell it

the stench of the dead

lIke a million skunks

the bodies, dead, but still calling

I taste the blood

awful

like metal

 

then

I realize

not blood

but death

what I taste

I know I am close

to death

this knowledge scares me

but gives me power

scary, but powerful

I will myself to overcome

I rise up and wash

the taste out of my mouth

with the water of life

I am living

with power

new power

 

it was tempting

my fears

overcome

no longer binding me

My greatest fear

 

a towering feature

so large and steep

a figure towering down with incredible speed

 

children of all ages screaming

a sharp screech exiting their mouths

other surround sounds of children for miles long fill my ears

 

sweat dripping down my face into my mouth

nerves getting from my head to my toes

not a bit of courage

 

anxiety taking over

I have fear of the unknown

my feet moving forward

finally a bitter stop in the carriage

 

nervous as a jitterbug

I see a towering feature

children of all ages screaming

as I climb I gain courage

 

suddenly a stop at a peak

and zoom crash bang hurdling down

it is over I have done it I feel unstoppable

I am a lion

The Water of Death

“Hey you guys should go down the river.” my uncle said

“Can we?” my dad replied

“I did, you don’t even need a permit.”

“We’re still going to check. Do you want to try it?” my dad said talking to my family

That’s when we decided to go tubing down the Niagara River. So the first thing we did is go to the info station and asked is there a way we can talk to the Niagara water Marshall. My dad and mom went there and came back and said we can without a permit. When  the next day came we go out and buy things we need. We needed a whistle to make sound if we need help, a water gun that will show boats that we were there and tubes. We got everything set and went down to the river we got a little floater for a cooler with snacks and rope to tie each other together.

I was so excited until I saw the water it was dark couldn’t see anything. I started second guessing it. But I couldn’t let my family down so jumped in my tube and I kept my feet and hands out of the water. Once I hit the water all you heard was SPLASH! After 5 minutes or so it was relaxing. Until a boat came by we had to grab our water gun and shoot it up in the air even though it was in the morning.

The shocking part is the water was as cold as ice. But after a little you got use to it. We went down the river we ate some snacks and put the wrappers back in the coolers so we didn’t litter.  But one of the scariest parts was when my dad wanted to lay in his tube so he struggled around then he said he just touched something with his foot. I don’t know if he was lying or not but I still got scared.

Once we came up to our drop off there were parked boats everywhere and since I was the smallest I wasn’t the strongest. I tried and tried to swim to the dock, but I couldn’t I started getting nervous. But then my mom came to my rescue and grabbed a hold of me and helped me to the docks. Once we got up we headed to the car and I thanked my mom for helping me. That’s my courage story of me coming over my fear of the dark water where you can’t see anything.

Do or Don’t

If you have no fear of talking in front out a large crowd without preparation or improvising a solo because you forgot it; props to you. Stepping out of my comfort zone, especially in public is always a struggle for me to get past. People try and give me strategies for going up in front of a group of people, like imagine everyone’s in their underwear or stare at one spot in the room. It’s not that I’m scared of the people watching me it’s what they think about me, when they’re judging me. I try to play but only a squeak of my instrument comes out along with my face bursting out into a lavish red and sweating profusely. I put some of my hardest work into my tone and solos but when it’s time I break under the pressure. Grades and all of these numbers that rate me and are supposed to the reason I do well or fail in life. Why do I even try?

Music has been a necessity since I first touched a trumpet in 4th grade then it grew to two instruments and approaching three. It would be a vent for me if I was mad, sad or depressed in anyway. It’s a counselor you don’t need an appointment for. Most days after school instead of eating, sleeping or homework, I would go and play music; much to my family’s dismay. If was happening to feel stressed in any way or form the words woven by the music would pull the pressure of my shoulders.

Then when I get in front of people that all changes. My head’s a mess of thoughts and my face is twisted in concentration. “Am I playing the right notes?”, “when am I supposed to stop?”, “is it good enough?”  The notes flow out without me even thinking about it, years of practice assure that I know the notes. I only wanted the solo because I was the only who practiced it, but I was still way too afraid to mess up. Then a thought hit me like a rock, “If my teacher allowed me to do this why can’t I?” He had enough faith in me so why don’t I?

Music will always be a home to me and it will carry me through the hard times. It speaks to me better than anyone. The fear is just like a spit valve I need to clear and clean.

Some Experience

souls of helpless people

scrambling to survive

like an ant scrambling from a psychotic fly

some do not make it

the lightning strikes

big and scary

 

The gust of air

scratching my face

I taste the dust

so bitter yet sweet

last glimpse of sunlight

my heart begins to beat

 

lost spirits

now float about

hesitant hands hopeless

on grabbing

anything

to save

this poor man

 

The smell of nothing

it seems

my nose so numb

blood rushing now to the tip of my tongue

But somehow my mind

not rotten but broken

 

the clinking of string

Maybe a pure being

Alas, a parachute

Saved so sweet

to save I must

jump out:

swift feet

 

I see the plane

SPLASH!

Sinking in the belly of the beast

The worst way

of death it seems

but now i see

there is not another

pure being here

but me

Drowning

Water as cold as ice

My foot slips in.

As the sun fades,

The moon’s light

dances across the ocean surface.

 

Wading in

Deeper

And deeper.

Until my feet are barely touching

The sandy bottom.

 

Suddenly

splash!

The waves drag me under.

I struggle for breath,

As my back slides

Across the ocean floor.

My feet kicking desperately

As I reach for the surface.

 

Tiny fish

As slippery as mud,

Make their way

Through my flailing arms.

 

Salt water

Shoved down my throat,

My body recklessly pushed through

the enormous waves

 

Until I can’t

Move

Anymore….

Or

The boy sighed his last peaceful breath.

Gentle breeze of thought dissipates,

No future, no death.

Appearing again as a raging storm,

remembering all he had to mourn.

The battle is now in the heart of France,

The world twirling in a furious dance.

 

Too join the resistance for country and all,

to face a future to lose

as the earth crumbles and falls.

Or

Protect the heart from events to come.

To safeguard their dread,

Children, wife, home as one.

 

Decision is the Fates torture.

The dead weight of a crossroad.

The undying agony of or.

A catch 22,

with so much to lose.

Too either I can devote.

Not thinking, just doing,

near or remote.

The terror that paralyzes every bone.

It’s all on you,

The conclusion is on you alone.

 

Flames red and gold,

Roar as the lions of old.

The depths of hades is in front,

the lives to save inside.

I push the hose aside and leap after the need.

The burnt wood is crying as it breaks.

I see a family in despair,

but a few heartbreaking children over there.

I can only save one.

 

Family is shouting for help,

Crying comfort to each.

Their lives as one in my hands,

Their lives I might drop.

Or

Children silent, pale in the overwhelming light.

Still to grow into the skin that they own and

the mind they may lose.

 

Decision is the Fates torture.

The dead weight of a crossroad.

The undying agony of or.

A catch 22,

with so much to lose.

Too either I can devote.

Not thinking, just doing,

near or remote.

The terror that paralyzes every bone.

It’s all on you,

The conclusion is on you alone.

 

Seeing the full plate,

destined for the trash.

It is consuming her,

Bones are stark through the stretched skin.

Smaller, angrier, quieter, thin.

Realizing that I see,

Deathly silence beginning,

Worst of words uttered.

“I promise.”

 

Friendship, a ray of shine through the cloud.

No interference, just time and me, to heal.

It could not.

A life not worth living,

stolen under a protective grasp.

Or

Help, health, a guarantee.

To open her mind

Forced, but future she will find.

But me she will blame,

Me pushed away in forever jab.

I would break my promise.

 

Decision is the Fates torture.

The dead weight of a crossroad.

The undying agony of or.

A catch 22,

with so much to lose.

Too either I can devote.

Not thinking, just doing,

near or remote.

The terror that paralyzes every bone.

It’s all on you,

The conclusion is on you alone.

 

The decision is the scare,

The choice is the agony.

Before is confusion,

After is instinct.

Time stands still,

Every ripple in the black swamp of terror,

Every thought, every second of indecision,

is another world on your back.

The weight suffocates you,

Questioning yourself on how you will survive

Until the choice is made and the path illuminated before you.

A Small Boulder

a big brown cow thundered towards me

a small boulder on a set path towards me

by me again

 

the worst enemy was not the cow

I turned around and saw his big red face

I let them by me again

 

cow’s hooves were thudding on the ground

they were as scared as I was

he yelled at me and others

Retaliation just makes it worse

 

my sandwich

5 minute break

Back in the coral

 

The smell of the wild flowers

the scent of spring

wafted through the air

only thing that kept me sane

 

leather seat in his truck

Hot, sticky leather seat

His words hit my face like stones

tackled me to the ground

only the first load

Forlorn

Afraid and alone

Two dreadful feelings

I’m scared, where is everyone?

Did they leave?

Where did they go?

Why am I not with them?

So many questions,

Yet no answers.

 

Mother, Father, my brothers, my sister, my friends

Did they disappear too?

I feel so lost

No one is telling me where they are

My world is off-balanced

I’ve never felt so scared, so ignored and so shutout.

 

Do I have to face my problems

With these cold, dreadful feelings

Slowly pushing me down

Making me feel like a coward

And, that they left for reasons

Reasons that I’m not aware of

 

I just know

That they’re gone

That I’m left stranded

And pushed away from the rest of the world